I've gotten a few questions about my previous post. To clarify...
I didn't really grow up with a conscious sense that I was unwanted by my father. In fact, the possibility that my father never wanted kids - or the possibility that we didn't exactly happen the way he had planned, leading to resentment - had only crossed my mind within the last couple of years. I know he loves me and my sister, and I'm sure that he loves my mom in his own way (though he has a lousy way of showing it at times).
And part of me wonders whether it wasn't necessarily that he didn't want kids so much as he hadn't realized what an inconvenience we would be. And I don't even know if inconvenience is the right word, I just can't think of a better way to explain it.
But it would certainly explain some of his past behavior.
And Malia, I'm glad it opened a little bit of dialogue with your mom - I'm all for open dialogue with parents. With all the talking Bryan and I have been doing about starting a family, I'm trying really hard to get there with my parents. I'm starting to get there with my mom, but I'd be hesitant to try to open that same dialogue with my dad - not for fear that he'd confirm my tenuous suspicions, but for fear that he'd evade/ignore/blow off the fact that I'd even thought of it. Daddy's not a big one for talking about his feelings.
I guess that after so many years of growing up in a family where feelings are suppressed - and certainly not talked about - that I almost feel like I don't have a right to bring up that sort of conversation. And my dad would probably confirm that I don't, at least as far as he's concerned. I'd never really thought of it much before, but now that I'm on the verge of starting a family of my own it's really come to the forefront for me. I'm not really so much "messed up" by it as I am scared that I'll do it to my kids.
Posted by beenie at March 13, 2006 11:16 PMWow, your dad sounds like my dad. Although since my parents divorced, Dad has really been making more of an effort with us girls. Because he has to if he wants to stay in touch/close with us. I'll call him up every so often, but I've really noticed that now he doesn't have Mom to run interference, he's really been more on the ball about us and the kids than he would otherwise be.
Just the fact that you've noticed how your dad is goes a long way towards making sure that you don't do that to your children. I'm sure you'll be a great parent.
Posted by: kathy at March 15, 2006 10:09 AMBean,
Knowing the situation better than most here let me put in my 2¢.
Your Dad and I could not possibly be more different, but when I visited in 90 your Dad did something that really really surprised me (pleasently). HE was playing a game with Theresa and I while he was not completely throwing the game he was tanking enough so it wouldn't be a complete blowout. With his competitive nature I would never have expected that maturity. I mention this because while he didn't do everything right he also didn't do everything wrong.
Posted by: J at March 25, 2006 03:59 PM