Last time I was in NY, I had a conversation with my mom. I don't remember what exactly what it was about originally, but I distinctly remember asking her if my dad really ever wanted kids. She said she didn't know.
My mom was about halfway through her pregnancy with me when my parents got married, and for as far back as I can remember, my parents have never had the healthiest relationship. I remember when I was younger asking someone if my parents only got married because of me. I don't remember who I asked, but I remember being told that they had been together for a few years, and probably would have gotten married eventually. Looking back on everything I've seen and heard in my almost 30 years, I'm not so sure about that.
So, getting back to the aforementioned conversation with my mom, I said "so in the 3-plus years you were together before you got pregnant with me, not once did you and Daddy discuss having kids?" She doesn't recall ever having such a conversation with my father.
I started thinking about it more and more after having a conversation with a friend of mine, who is currently struggling with whether she wants to have kids, during which she told me that she doesn't think her parents really wanted kids, either.
There are a lot of people who are very unhappy to learn that they're expecting, only to come to love that baby-to-be more and more every day and fall head-over-heels in love with the wee little thing the second it's born. But I wonder how many people in this world were born and raised by people who really didn't want them. People who weren't thrilled about finding out they were expecting, who carried that attitude into raising those kids? I'm not sure it makes a difference if it's one parent who feels that way, or both parents. And I wonder how many of us are thoroughly screwed up by knowing that, no matter how much our parents might protest, that we were probably not quite as happy an accident as they let on?
Bryan and I have been discussing kids a lot lately, and I know from the get-go that when we find out we're expecting, you'll never find a child who is more love or more wanted. God, I just hope we don't fuck it up.
Posted by beenie at March 7, 2006 11:34 PMI know I was an accident but I don't know how upset my parents were about it, if at all. They'd been married for a while at that point. But they had been considering separation at some point before mom got pregnant. I do know they at least discussed having kids and decided on two but I don't know if they were ready to start when I came along. Huh. Maybe I'll ask some day. I don't know how it would have effected me to know. As long as they loved me and didn't constantly remind me that I was unwanted, I think I would have been OK.
Posted by: Malia at March 8, 2006 10:20 AMI was definitely an accident. It had been 7 years since their last child and less than a year after my birth, they divorced. I was more of a "make-up baby".
You know my history with my father. He was just never meant to be a "dad" to any child...wanted or not. While my mother made me always feel loved and wanted. She probably tried too hard (if that's even possible).
I'm effed up though, or I was. But I that was more because of experiences I went through and having a shitty dad. Not becuase they didn't plan for me, or didn't want me maybe as much as they originally wanted the previous children.
Posted by: mel at March 9, 2006 11:51 AM
Thanks to your post, I actually asked my mom. Turns out I wasn't too much of an accident - they were married and knew kids were in their future so my mom stopped taking her BC. They weren't actively trying but I happened anyway. Good to know.
Posted by: malia at March 13, 2006 09:35 AM